Yo, Valentine’s Day is this Sunday so time’s a wasting. Start preparing now ’cause knowledge may be the only thing standing between you and the succulent love-junk of a ridiculously hot celebrity. Seriously. People get lonely, even beautiful people who are insecure enough to want to be famous, and this is your opportunity.
Sure, they’re normally out of your league but this weekend they’re low-hanging fruit (with only a couple gigantic bodyguards and maybe some electrified fences). We know plenty of celebrities are wife’d up (Beyoncé), or in relationships (Kim Kardashian), or too crazy/hotgross for our taste (Tila Tequila) BUT there are a chosen few who just happen to be single (and might be down to slum) when February 14th rolls around. Here’s our list of the hottest bachelorettes in the game today, with suggested date spots and VD gifts. Take notes and take aim.
#10. AUBREY O’DAY
WHERE WE’D TAKE HER: To see Chicago on Broadway. O’Day says she loves musicals and has wanted to star in Broadway ever since she was a little girl. Plus, the play involves scantily clad leggy chicks, so you might catch some tap-dancing nipple… mmm… the best kind.
PRESENT WE’D GIVE HER: Porn. Fellas, if you ever find a woman who’s openly into porn, then you’ve got the gift that keeps on giving.
#9. AUDRINA PATRIDGE
WHERE WE’D TAKE HER: A shooting range. Nothing is more frightening than having people invade your house and steal your things (just ask Soulja Boy). Well, that’s exactly what happened to Patridge last year, which is why we’d arm the girl.
PRESENT WE’D GIVE HER: A really big dog with opposable thumbs and sharp-shooting skills. We’re not sticking around, guns are dangerous!
#8. LINDSAY LOHAN
WHERE WE’D TAKE HER: To a Haiti relief fund. Possibly in an attempt to put her party girl image behind her, Lindsay has been exceptionally active in Haiti relief efforts. It’s only right we show our support as well.
PRESENT WE’D GIVE HER: A mirror. Because this St. Valentine’s day Lindsay needs to take a really good hard look at herself. As we relieve in her hair.
#7. SELITA EBANKS
WHERE WE’D TAKE HER: To The Tyra Show. We’re not fans of The Tyra Show per se but right after Tyra Banks retired from modeling, Selita Ebanks got hired by Victoria’s Secret. Well, Tyra says she’ll retire her talk show at the end of this year… so Selita better bring a notepad with her. And a giant forehead prosthesis. Zing!
PRESENT WE’D GIVE HER: Handwritten poems. Selita claims that when she was in high school, she won awards and competitions for her poetry so she’s definitely into literary art. Couplets make for couplings yadadadamean?
#6. PADMA LAKSHMI
WHERE WE’D TAKE HER: To ride bumper cars. When she was 14 years old Lakshmi was in a car crash, which left a seven-inch scar on her arm. She later described it as an, “exhilarating hallucination, an unbelievable ride that oddly remains one of the most beautiful images in my memory.” F a mile-high club, it’s all about the 2.46 miles an hour club. Bump!
PRESENT WE’D GIVE HER: Saffron. The dried stigma of the rare Southwest Asian crocus flower is the most expensive spice in the world by weight. It is rare, beautiful, and luxurious like this delectable host of Top Chef who we’s foreals is trying to impress. Call us.
#5. NICOLE SCHERZINGER
WHERE WE’D TAKE HER: To see Sade in concert. We hear Nicole is a pretty big Sade fan so we’d bring her to a concert we are totally already going to. Don’t front, her music is ethereal. ETHEREAL!
PRESENT WE’D GIVE HER: A single red rose. We’re not even trying to compete with what a certain gaudy someone from the Saudi royal family once sent her.
#4. NICKI MINAJ
WHERE WE’D TAKE HER: The NBA All-Star Game. We all know Nicki is ready for her TNT celebrity-spotting close up. Though it’s her other close ups we’d need to be concerned about. The only question is, who will wear the crazier outfit: Her or Craig Sager?
PRESENT WE’D GIVE HER: A teddy bear. When you offer a $50,000 dollar reward for the return of Oscar, a stuffed pink monkey, we’re guessing you like stuffed pink animals as much as we like stuffing mammals’ pink.
#3. JENNIFER ANISTON
WHERE WE’D TAKE HER: To see Valentines Day. Yeah, yeah we know, Valentine’s Day is probably not going to qualify for “25 Romantic Comedies That Don’t Suck” but not having a part in this clusterfuck will make her as happy as peeping a gif of Angelina Jolie getting as fat as a post-rehab Matthew Perry.
PRESENT WE’D GIVE HER: Our screenplay titled Everlasting Love with an Adult, Stable Male. Aniston once joked about the art-imitating-life parallels between her movie titles and her life off-screen (it went from The Good Girl, toRumor Has It, to The Breakup). She then asked if anyone had a project for her with that exact title. Which we’d change to Everlasting Love with a Stable of Adult Males. Or whatever sounds way less gay.
#2. OLIVIA MUNN
WHERE WE’D TAKE HER: Dancing. Olivia claims she’s been into dancing ever since she was 8. We’d love to see her bust a move. She looks like she’d do a mean robot and not because she’s half Asian.
PRESENT WE’D GIVE HER: An iPad. If you’re a fan of Olivia’s blog like we are, then you know she’ll geek out over dorky tech gadgets and yes, because she’s half Asian.
#1. RIHANNA
WHERE WE’D TAKE HER: Wherever she wants.
PRESENT WE’D GIVE HER: Whatever she wants.
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